The Garbage State: Why New Jersey SucksThere are few things in life that I am truly passionate about. However, as a proud New Yorker, there is one thing that I always love to engage in a heated debate about: why New Jersey sucks. I have a list of reasons a mile long and a rebuttal to anyone’s pro-Jersey statements. Founded in 1664 from land stolen from New York, Jersey is called the “armpit of America” for a reason, and I aim to prove why that nickname is so fitting.
Why is New Jersey called “the Garden State”? Because they couldn’t fit “Oil and Petrol Refinery State” on a license plate. Wherever you go, there are refineries, oil derricks and overall filth and stench. While it is true that gas prices in New Jersey are delightfully low, this one positive aspect is greatly offset by the fact that the entire state is one large gas station and consequently smells like fart. (see Evidence A)
What is the difference between Jersey girls and trash? Trash gets picked up. The few places in New Jersey that are not dedicated to furthering this country’s dependence on oil are reserved for containing garbage. New Jersey has been called “New York’s garbage dump” and referred to as “a giant garbage dump with a mess of highways running through it”. There are more garbage dumps in New Jersey per square mile than any other state in the nation. It’s disgusting, both to see and to smell. Furthermore, that the smell is worsened by the people of New Jersey themselves. (see Evidence B)
New Jersey is full of wanna-be “Guidos” who regularly bathe themselves in Axe body spray under the false pretense that this will make them smell attractive. Actually, it makes them repulsive. It is absolutely hysterical to observe these guys who think they are the hottest thing since sliced bread. The standard uniform for one of these “bros” consists of tight jeans (often with fancy stitching and/or embroidery) and a striped blue button-down dress shirt with the collar “popped”. Since when did tanning, tweezing eyebrows, full-body waxing, hair that resembles the aftermath of sticking one’s finger in an electrical socket and wearing skin-tight women’s tank tops and lip gloss become “manly”? These people should be sterilized... (see Evidence C)
After having witnessed such horrifying sights, the standard sane response is to want to flee the state as quickly as possible. However, yet again New Jersey unfailingly demonstrates its suckyness to anyone unfortunate enough to be trapped within its state borders.
More than likely you’ll get lost as you try to leave, due to the lack of signage and crappy planning of the roads and highways. To make matters worse, left and U-turns are prohibited at most intersections! New Jersey loves its jug handles, forcing drivers to turn right before they can turn left. The argument for this is that the jug handles improve safety by decreasing intersection accidents, but I think they are unnecessary. A left turn lane with a left turn only signal on the traffic light would be sufficient, instead of using up all that extra land. In reality, these jug handles can cause more accidents. What happens when someone is driving along, expecting to turn left but instead at the last minute realizes that they have to get all the way over to the right lane? Accidents and road rage from the annoyance and aggravation, that’s what happens. It is ironic that despite their “safety conscious” infrastructure, New Jersey also has the highest auto insurance rates in the country due to frequent accidents and overall crappy drivers.
During your incarceration in New Jersey, you’ll most likely eventually have to stop for gas. Here again more Jersey brilliance is encountered: it’s illegal to pump your own gas. That’s right, self-service is a crime. While it is understood that this was done to create jobs, the least Jersey could have done was to ensure that these individuals were qualified to fuel a car. Apparently when asked to “fill it up with 93-octane” they interpret this as exactly the same as asking for a tank full of 87. I’ve given up on expecting the gas station attendants to actually listen and comprehend the English language, so now I keep a careful eye on these screw-ups to ensure I get what I ask for. How lovely it is that New Jersey has made it necessary for consumers to supervise them to make sure they actually do their remedial job correctly.
Furthermore, once you actually find your way out of the Garbage State and can practically taste the wonderful freedom of escape, you get yet another slap in the face. For the privilege of leaving New Jersey, you are charged a toll! That’s right; you are actually required to have to pay to leave. Every exit, every road and every bridge that leaves NJ is sweetened by the process of handing over your hard-earned money.
Now, you’d assume that this money was being put to good use, but this would be incorrect. Instead of solving problems that plague the state via toll collections, or possibly repairing some of the poorly integrated roads or replacing jughandles, New Jersey continues to sink to a new level of moral and ethical lowness. Per capita, New Jersey is the richest state in the country (with a lot of that money being mafia-related), but the city of Camden is the poorest in the nation with the highest murder and crime rates as well. They should use some of this money to solve these types of problems, but they don’t, because New Jersey sucks.
“Jersey Pride” is another thing that really bothers me. New Jersey has nothing to be proud about, except its stench. They’re just jealous that they aren’t as good or as pretty as New York. Proud New Jersey inhabitants often ramble on about why they love their state so much, but since their accents are so painful to listen to, their flawed logic falls on deaf ears. Since when has “Jersey” been spelled “Joisey”?
Additionally, Jersey steals. The Jets and the Giants home stadium is located in New Jersey, but they are both New York teams! Even worse is that New Jersey claims to own the Statue of Liberty. The Statue is located on Liberty Island, which is in New York, but due to the fact it is located in close proximity to Jersey City, NJ, they consider it theirs. Thieves I say, blatant thieves.
Lastly, after all of these headaches from dealing with the idiocy that is New Jersey, it would only make sense that you’d want to enjoy a drink or a beer to relax and de-stress. If you want to do that on Sunday though, you’re out of luck. That’s right, no alcohol sales on Sunday. This is an absolute travesty, especially during football season. How can they expect sports fans to truly enjoy their games? Damn Jersey...
In conclusion, I feel there is strong evidence as to why you should hate New Jersey. The state, and most of the people living there, are complete wastes of space. It’s smelly and gross and completely illogical. The state dance is the square dance. I think that New Jersey sucks, and you should too.
But don’t take my word for it. Here’s what people from all over the country are saying about New Jersey!
"My grandfather didn’t come to America to go to New Jersey."
– Rudolph Giuliani, Mayor of New York
"The New Jersey jug handles reduce the likelihood of a serious accident by an estimated 0%."
– Alan Jacobs, New York
“People from NJ are like the water, dirty.”
– Rob McManus, Pennsylvania
"After living in both of the major surrounding cities (NYC and Philly) I've come to realize that I hate NJ because it just turns that 2.5 hour drive between the two cities into a horrible ordeal consisting of traffic jams, foul smells, and the worst rest areas known to man."
– J Goldberg, California
“I hate how you have to go right to go left in much of the state, because unless you’re a ninja it’s nearly impossible not to miss your turn.”
– Chris Walsh, Maryland
“People from NJ really don’t know how to drive… at all.”
– Alyssa Maslin, Pennsylvania
“Newark airport... ‘nuff said right there.”
– Steve Rathbun, Florida
“The Garden State? I've never seen a garden…”
– Jonathan Martin, Connecticut
“The people are so stupid they can't even be trusted to make a left turn.”
– John Kern, Pennsylvania
“New Jersey sucks because it is impossible to get anywhere. It's not like their infrastructure is terrible or anything, but you can't make left turns and you can't pump your own gas. It is the most handi-capable state in the union.”
– Erik Jacobs, Georgia
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